Dear Jeniavieve,
I am writing you this letter because I had something on my mind that I wanted to say, and I know my timing hasn’t always been the best. What I have to say I would like to have said in person, but I also know that you like to save things, and maybe when you look at this letter again in the future, you’ll be glad I sent it. Glad I recorded the words so you could read them again.
I would like to start by letting you know that my therapist notified me that my CBT sessions would be coming to an end soon. While she didn’t give me an exact number, she said that there will probably be only one or two sessions left once I get back.
The CBT, in combination with the hypnotherapy, has helped immensely in eliminating the occurrence of irrational thinking that stemmed from my anxiety. In the rare occasions that it does crop up, I’m able to identify and dismiss the thought immediately. That’s something I’ve never been able to do before, Jenna, and it feels good – really good – to be in control of myself and my emotions for once. I feel powerful now, whereas before, in my head, I felt small and weak. That’s how my subconscious saw me: weak, ineffectual, unable to do anything about anything.
That isn’t the case anymore.
That being said, I told you not long ago that it wasn’t over; in fact, it hadn’t even begun, and that I was going to fight. Well, I have been fighting, and the therapies I’ve been participating in have been the weapons, and the battleground has been inside my own head.
Well, the war is coming to a close in the next few weeks, and I was hoping that you and I could talk about us once I officially graduate (or whatever you call it) from therapy. I made big promises when I got back, but due to my anxiety, I was unable to deliver on them. That time has passed, and my emotions are no longer hobbled.
Rather than make more promises or continue to wax apologetic about how much I’ve changed, I want to spend the rest of this letter telling you who I am and how I feel. You can then make a decision about whether or not you want to talk about us.
First off, I want to hear what you have to say in all this, so I’m going to keep this part about me short and simple. I’ve told you before how I loved you from the day we met, and I still do. I told you before that I wanted to be the person in your life you could turn to when things got rough, who wouldn’t judge you or expect anything in return for what I give. I hope that, if you look back over these past months, you’ll see that I was able to do what I said I was going to do. When you stumbled, I caught you. When you cried, I cried for your pain. I felt it then, and I still feel it now. That’s not ever going to change. I didn’t give you my blood as a nice gesture, I did it because you already had it, figuratively, and I figured you might as well have it literally too.
I know that it hasn’t been long since I’ve been in therapy – only a matter of weeks. I know that it can be hard to believe that someone can just turn around and feel better. The truth is: for CBT to be effective, the person has to put in the work – and I have. This has not been an easy experience for me, and I know it wasn’t easy for you. If you have any doubts, know that I’m more than capable of spending every single day proving it to you for as long as we’re together. I know people have abandoned you throughout your life, one way or another, but I never will. I still showed up when you were ignoring me back in March/April, and I stayed when you told me you wanted me to. If, when we talk, you choose to move forward with me, you’re going to get the same kind of support you got back then. The same kind of love. The same kind of truth. And if it’s in our future that I end up leaving this world before you, know that you won’t need to put my picture on your mantle or summon me up from the aether. The second my soul leaves my body it will be right there behind you, whispering in your ear:
“I’m right here, lady, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I love you and I need you – all of you. There’s room enough, now, for you, the girls, Vinnie, and Les. I hope our story can continue, and I’m happy to include them as part of it because they’re a part of you and your story.
And I’ve been waiting for you for my entire life.
See you soon,
Ryan
A Lion's Roar 