I still feel pretty depressed and inadequate after yesterday. In the end, it really doesn’t surprise me that someone would be interested in other people. I mean, Jenna certainly isn’t the first person I was with who wanted to go that route, and probably won’t be the last, either.
I am pretty gross. I got myself super fat over the past several years and, while I’ve lost a great deal of the weight, I still have a ton to go. I’m thinner now than I was, but still fat and gross.
I’m going to the gym tomorrow to sign up with those assholes; so I won’t be fat overlong. But still, how desirable is someone like me anyway? I wish I wasn’t transgender. I wish I could just be a man and live with it. I often think about stopping my transition and just living as a guy for the remainder of my time here on this hellish rock, but as much as it would make my life so much easier, the mere thought of being another bald, disgusting, gross ass man just repulses me to my marrow. I just can’t. But I can’t be a girl, either. Not really. Just some gross mishmash of the genders and sexes.
Some trans people end up being really attractive, but I don’t have those qualities. I don’t think I started my transition early enough to really end up looking like a girl – I’ll just wind up looking like some broad-shouldered dude in a dress with a ton of a makeup on and an obvious wig. A shit voice, too.
Of course, there’s always the chance some drunk hits me on my way to the gym tomorrow. Once can only hope, I guess.
A Lion's Roar 