Depression is an interesting thing. No matter what’s going on in your life, it will seem like that’s the thing that’s causing your depression. But, if/when that particular thing changes, the depression doesn’t just go away. Not really. It might lie dormant for a while, but then something else comes up and triggers it, and then that’s the thing that’s causing your depression.
Earlier Jenna let me read a post she wrote some months back about the things she’d done with people sexually, and it let me in on a side of her that I had only heard tiny bits and pieces of before.
I’m certainly not one to judge, I mean, I’ve never really been that judgmental anyway. I don’t think it’s slutty for a woman to like sex – most of them do – and I certainly don’t think it’s slutty for someone to engage in sexual acts with one or more people on however many occasions they like. Hey, if it makes you feel good…
It did, however, make me feel pretty bad about myself. I don’t think I’ll ever quite be enough for her. She’s a nice person, and I don’t think she’d say so to my face… not unless I did something that made her mad and she stopped liking me or whatever. But still, knowing is enough.
And, in truth, what do I really have to offer someone who’s into those things anyway? I have no status in this world. I’ve done nothing. I’m not attractive. I’m not cool. There’s really no reason to value having me in one’s life at all, so I guess I’m not surprised she’d rather be with other people. I just wonder how long she can put up with my meager offerings until eventually she brings it up herself. I think she maybe likes that guy in Japan. The satanist whose name I forget. She said he was polyamorous.
Part of me thinks that maybe she’d be happier with someone else. I wonder if I’d be happier if I were somebody else? Being me is neither easy nor enjoyable. Too many other people have so many gifts and talents, but I have none. And that is my problem.
My problem, and my depression, begins and ends with myself.
I really, really wish I had succeeded in just dying off last October. It’s difficult now to pull the trigger on something like that because it would make my family feel bad. Jenna told me once she didn’t know if she could handle it if she found me dead on the floor some time, but I don’t know about that. I’m not that great.
Oh well. I wish I had some weed and some booze right now. I could use a blackout or three.
A Lion's Roar 