Tonight was a bombshell – fittingly preceded by ominous whistling, an eerily serene portent of destruction, of pain, of the bone-chilling horror that is to come. Yeah, I knew something was up. I also knew I’ve been out of my head the past couple days…. oh, were it that I could go back. But you can’t. You can only go forward.
Everything was going so well, until all of the sudden, it started going so wrong. I didn’t come here to be a pin in her cushion. To cause additional headache, more bullshit. Never. Never ever.
And yet here I am. Lobbed in with the likes of Joel and others. People who took, people who stabbed relentlessly.
But not me. Not anymore.
I’m going to buy my ticket in a few minutes. I’m going to buy my ticket and I’m going to go. If there were ever any cause, any purpose for me coming out here, it was never to cause you pain and suffering. I’d say sorry, but those words don’t even begin to encompass my sorrow, my regret. Regret for something I certainly didn’t do on purpose… but in the end, does it really matter?
I don’t know. I don’t think it does.
For a few sweet, precious days, everything was perfect. Two weeks in absolute paradise… but the bill came early, and the cost… I’m not prepared to pay, but I’ll do it nonetheless. I’ll pay it because it has to be paid, and I won’t run. I won’t hide. Not anymore. I’ve told myself time and time again that I’ve risen above that obsequious, quivering weakling I used to be. Now it’s time to prove it. And I will prove it.
So this is what you have in store for me, is it? Life. You have fucked me again and again, now you give me all I’ve ever wanted, the exact type of person I could have designed myself on a computer screen. The only woman with whom I have ever, ever actually seen a possible, real future with… only to rip it away in a matter of days? Do it, then. Do it, and watch as I cope. Watch as I deal with what’s happened and continue on. Watch, or, as is your wont – hit me again. Again, and again, and again. Whatever you have in store for me, life, I will deal with. I have scars on my wrist from the time I tried to run away forever, and that won’t happen this time. .
You know what the worst part about it is? It’s the timing. I’m almost o.k. I’m almost where I should be. I’m making the right choices, I got off those pills that were driving me nuts… but unfortunately they won’t go quietly into the night. They reach out… now and again, and strike from the shadows.
I told you, Jenna, that I only wanted to be a source of joy and goodness in your life, and it appears I cannot be that. If the only thing I can do to make your life better is to take myself out of it… then that’s what I’ll do. I loved you then, and I love you now.
So go ahead, life. Give me all you’ve got.
“…to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.”
A Lion's Roar 