I recently saw that Joel posted on his Facebook a picture of himself with that girl he said he was seeing. I remember when I talked to him on the phone a couple months ago after my dad died that he told me he had been seeing her. I wonder what kind of person she is.
I feel kind of bad about saying this, particularly without evening knowing her, but I sincerely doubt she’s anywhere near the level Jenna was. Joel really fucked up when he abused the shit out of her and drove her away. I’m glad she had the strength to go through with it though, not all women do. Battered girlfriends become battered wives.
I remember when I was out there in Hawaii some years back. The best six or so months of my life, if you take into account the constant presence of soul-crushing depression and nauseating anxiety. Still, it was a beautiful place and I loved being there with Joel and Jenna.
When I was initially going to move out, Joel had mentioned going into business together. Opening a taco truck was, I think, what he had in mind. Of course, when I was out there he made no effort whatsoever to do anything about it, then made jokes and laughed about how it wasn’t his intention to start a business with me, even though before I moved out there I asked him if he was still interested in doing it, and he said yes. I sure don’t know what the fuck that bullshit was about… doesn’t matter anymore though.
I also spoke about opening a bar when I was out there. It wasn’t really so much because I want to own and run a bar as it was the fact that I wanted to be able to see my friends every day. I envisioned it being sort of like how it was on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Sure, we may live in different homes, but every day we wake up and come to work and I get to hang out all day with my friends, and make a decent living off it too. Sounds like heaven to me, particularly since I have been so lonely for so long. Being able to see them every day… would be absolute heaven. They’re the only friends I have. But, to be honest, they’re the also the only ones I need.
Of course, it didn’t last in Hawaii. Slowly but surely my anxiety caught up with me and I had freaked out and moved away. It started with the $5k I had saved up to move with. My dad was getting sicker and so I gave my mom all the money I had, so I ended up going out there with only $200 to my name, instead of the five grand I had expected. THEN I couldn’t open up a bank account because I neeeded a Hawaii ID, but I couldn’t get a HAwaii ID without some sort of proof of residence, and I had none. THEN I tried to go to school there and paid the admisssionf ee to enroll in the Junior college and they fucking lost the fee and tried to get me to pay again.
THEN, somehow, Joel’s dad got mad at me about something having to do with groceries or whatever. I’m still not sure what it was that happened, but I literally offered every day to buy food from the store and they always told me no. I tried to give the dad money and he wouldn’t take it either. I don’t know.
Once that happened, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I freaked out and bought a plane ticket and left. I’m still not sure if it was a good decision or a bad one. Leaving began the chain of events that would lead me to find out I had a girl’s brain. Had I stayed, I don’t know what would have happened… not just because Joel and Jenna ended up breaking up, but because I was so sick inside. I was too anxious to even be able to think straight or do the things I needed to do. I would run around the block at night because my anxiety made me not want to be seen by people. Ugh.
Anyhow, speaking of them breaking up, I fucking knew that was going to happen. I knew it from the start for a couple of reasons. First, there was the nature of their interactions. I’ve always been very sensitive when it comes to the feelings of others, and I could tell something was off when they would speak. She’d say something and he would get irritated over it, but I could tell he was trying to sort of cover up his irritation.
Plus, I mean… god. I don’t know. I think Joel has many good qualities, but the more I got to know Jenna, the more confused I was as to how the hell he possibly hooked up with her. She was so… I don’t know. The things she was interested in and the way she was about them. She has tremendous depth and it seemed like such a fucking waste for her to be dating Joel, because, god knows I love him, but I don’t think he has the kind of awareness and depth of thought to realize and appreciate the qualities that make her such a wonderful woman. As a matter of fact, I *know* he lacked that, because he had her and he fucking fucked it up by treating her badly. Dude, you struck fucking gold, and you blew it off like it wasn’t even shit. Good luck… lightning never strikes the same place twice… He will never, ever find her like again.
It’s weird. In all our years as friends I saw Joel hook up with plenty of girls. He would either date them, or some were girlfriends, some he would just screw, and it never really made a difference to me. I used to get jealous of the relative ease with which he seemed to be able to interact with people, But she was the only person I was ever, ever jealous of him about. He had her mind, her heart, and those two precious little girls (who are rad, even when Jade played that god damn fucking gangnam style song over and over and over again that one day) and he was too fucking blind to even know it.
What I wouldn’t give to have been able to be in his position. Have her to sit and talk to, explore her mind, her thoughts, opinions, beliefs, feelings. Hang out all day. Do stupid shit like get drunk or do drugs, or do smart things like watch documentaries about aliens and spirits. and also boring adult crap like paying the water bill or whatever.
Clearly, I went and caught the feelings for my friend, but it wasn’t right away. It wasn’t until way later when I started talking to her again last year after Joel told her I was transgender (thanks, ass). We were talking on the phone and then all of the sudden it hit me like a punch in the gut. It’s rare that I ever catch feelings for anyone, and knowing what I know about her (which isn’t nearly as much as I’d like, but c’est la vie) I’m not surprised that it happened.
Oh, and just for the record, I would have spoiled the fuck out of her kids, they’re great.
Thanks for the memories, guys, and thanks for being my friends for a while. You were the best of them, and I wanted my last post to be about you.
Oh well. I guess I’m out, kids. My music isn’t doing it for me, and I’m just so god damn tired.
It’s funny. Ever since I was little I always assumed I’d die an old man in the hospital, not a middle-aged woman on the floor of my apartment.
A Lion's Roar 