Is it still today?

Well, I just got back from the grocery store. Ugh. I did not want to have to leave my house.

I used to really like going to the grocery store with my mom, and as I got older I couldn’t wait to go to the grocery store by myself, for myself. Then, over the past few years, after I found out I was a girl, I wanted more than anything to be going to the grocery store to shop for my family. Buying things I knew my wife liked so I could cook them for her. The kids too. Reading off the things they put on the list and getting that stuff for them.

I’m 36. I would have thought that by now I would have had a family. But, as fate would have it, not only am I unmarried, I haven’t even been in that many relationships thanks to the crippling anxiety I experienced for the past 20 years, and the transsexualism I now get to deal with.

I wonder what having a family is like. You meet someone, fall in love, and then I becomes we, becomes us.

How I wish I was part of an us. Just me and her, best friends and lovers… my partner in crime. Two against the world.

I wonder what it’s like, coming home to someone who was waiting for you. A smile spreading across her lips when I open the door, there she is… actually happy to see me.

We’d talk about our days, then I could cook something for dinner for us all; me and her and the kids. I’m a pretty good cook, you know. I could make us delicious, wholesome Lebanese food. Hommous, maybe hushwee (my absolute favorite), or good old fashioned toasted white rice with olive oil. Tawook, or baked chicken – I don’t know. And Lebanese salad.

Oh! And Arrak. The arrak would flow freely in my house.

Everything would taste so good, we’d all be so happy. Then I’d send the children to wash the dishes (because I fucking hate doing dishes) and me and the (other) misses could go fuck off to the living room with our wine. Ksara of course; good Lebanese wine. We could watch shows we like on Netflix or something. I don’t know.