Yesterday wasn’t as good as I had expected it to be. Now that I’ve come to my final decision, I decided that before I do it I want to spend the weekend doing things I love: watching horror movies/shows and listening to my favorite band: Bad Religion. I’ve also been on a Scorpions kick lately, so I’ll jam that too. Fuck it, why not? Unfortunately, yesterday I was too tired to really enjoy it all day, so I will continue doing that today.
I’ve begun with Love at First Sting, a great album, especially the final song: Still Loving You. Oh my god can Klaus sing it… I used to listen to this song all the time, imagining myself singing it to someone that I loved, maybe at a show with my band, or maybe at a karaoke bar when we were out for a night on the town, just the two of us. Others in the bar would see, sure, but they wouldn’t know. She’d know, though, because I’d glance at her out of the side of my eye during the chorus, and she’d smile and know I wasn’t just singing a song that I liked… I was telling her I loved her.
Of course, that’s just the unrealistic fantasy of a damaged mind, of course. Like so many others, it’s a dream that would never, ever come true. For whatever reason, I have been destined for neither love, nor happiness in this life. Day, after day, after day. Year after year after year, I watched as everyone else goes on with their lives, moving forward, forging relationships – whether platonic or romantic – while I sat, mired in a quagmire of mental illness, wondering what it was about me that I never garnered that kind of attention from others.
A Lion's Roar 